(no subject)

i feel as if.. i'm whining too much as of late.. but it seems that's all i ever have worth mentioning? yet i'm annoying even myself and that seems.. bad.. heh.. so maybe i'll try to this jouranl thingie.. i never really got into it.. altho i enjoy reading others... i have 22 days to go before i can leave this hell, my personal trash can, mississippi. i might come back one day... just need someone to pay me a million a day and it'll be worth coming back.. barely.. but oh well

(no subject)

Saints and Sailors - Dashboard Confessional

This is where I say I've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now. A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better. Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things and I'm pretty sure that few would notice. And this apartment is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering this house like I've never wanted out and this is about as social as I get now. And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things and I'm retty sure that few would notice. And this apartment is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the silence.

So don't be a liar don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the jokes on me.

But i'm not laughing
You're not leaving
Who do i think i am kidding?
When i'm the only one locked in this hell...

(no subject)

everyone says dashboard makes them cry... i dunno.. i mean.. yeah i can see where he lyrics are kinda "depressing" but it seems like... lately unless i'm shouting at dashboard lyrics at the top of my lungs life doesn't seem so.. worthwhile... i think i'm probably posting too much.. but i have time to make up for hehehe.. i'll probably slow down tomorrow.. err after i wake up today... actually i might just not get around to posting again? :)

(no subject)

i feel as if i'm diminished... whoever whatever was me is slowly disappearing.. i feel less intelligent than i have been.. less caring.. less happy.. less hyper.. less me.. i don't know where i've gone. i don't know where i've lost myself.. but i know i don't need nor want someone to find me... i want to be as independent as ever.. and to know who i am for what i am.. not for who the people i associate with.. as few as they may be.. i don't understand what's wrong with me.. i don't understand how to pick myself back up from this crumbled mess that has become me... i just know i want out of this state and my plane flight seems so very very far away. i'm sick.. and tired of this place.. and i'm sick and tired of the me that is in this place.. i. just i dunno.. ramble ramble.. because i don't feel intelligent enough to even organize my thoughts. they stay in this run down shackled mess with which not even i can wade through.. and they are my own.

(no subject)

visited nessa's.. went to her house.. for the last time.. no more... she leaves tomorrow.. for germany for a month... i leave within that month.. to vegas.. and altho i'm so ecstatic and leaving is one of the few things that keeps me going nowadays... i can't believe.. this is it.. that this is goodbye.. forever more.. and that life will be forever.. nessa-less... good-byes were simple... the lengthy hug.. and the tears... weren't... i stayed strong or maybe it didn't sink in.. untill after i left for me... but she cried.. and she cried before... i made it to the end of the road.. before i stopped.. and convulsed... and up went the volume... dashboard... the places that you've come to fear the most